I have to say I just don't understand the thinking of the so-called conservatives in this country. Well, the most vocal ones, anyway. I think the ones we hear about are actually the minority; I pray that is the case, anyway. But even so, the fact that there is any media coverage of the rather extreme views of these neocons is disturbing. Because these are NOT the ideals that built this country. When the US began, we fought for our liberty from the oppression of a monarchy AND a religion. The framers of the Constitution truly did want separation of church and state, and one only has to look at the Islamist nations to see why. Just because Christians feel so much more comfortable with a Christian-based influence on governance of this nation does not make it any less dangerous and for the same reasons. This country was also created with the ideal of allowing all of those who want or need the liberties we have here, to be welcomed to work and live here, and obtain citizenship if they so desire. True, the nation had far fewer people then; but there was no condition of a certain number of immigrants before the gates got closed. That didn't happen until the Chinese found their way here during the railroad building and gold-mining days. And the immigration laws were VERY specific at that time, targeting the Chinese. There is a longstanding and shameful history of racism in this country. And it is sad that it remains today. I don't understand that, either. These are all HUMAN beings, and all people want the same things. WE are only here because our ancestors thought it was just fine to set sail in ships, land here, chop down some trees and build some houses, and clear and farm some land and declare it theirs. Never mind the fact that in so doing they also nearly wiped out the natives who were here first. This was THEIR land, until we took it. So we have no right to declare ourselves the only immigrants with rights here. All of us who consider ourselves to be US citizens, we really are only naturalized citizens. We got born here, by that fortune alone we are citizens. We didn't do a damn thing to earn it other than that. But that's birthright, and the law recognizes it, so that is a different matter. It's always interesting to see how many natural born US citizens can pass the citizenship test that immigrants have to pass in order to obtain citizenship. Most people fail miserably. I would probably too, because like everyone else I just take my citizenship for granted. Or at least I used to.

But nowadays, when I see some of the GOP candidates' agenda in running for President, it worries me. Of course, I know most if not all of the bullshit they espouse is nothing more than grandstanding and talking points to pander votes. Because they know, as surely as most of the rest of us do, that they cannot do half of what they say they will do. They know, but because most Americans anymore are so uneducated about due process and the Constitution and the functions of the Executive, Legislative, and Judicial branches, they just swallow the bait hook, line, and sinker and vote for the candidate who says what they feel inside.

And that is the part that bothers me so much. Even after all these years, the fact that apparently the numbers of closed-minded, bigoted, fearful, and hate-filled toward people who they perceive as being different from them, are enough that presidential candidates feel they need to make those "ideals" a part of their platform. It is repugnant, because a President ought to be running on the actual values of a country built on independence, and all the other values that built the nation, not on racism, bigotry, greed, and hatred. Those should not be acknowledged or tolerated, let alone a campaign built around them because then they only proliferate. It takes little to get that kind of latent malignancy to grow. We had come so far, so close to finally being a society built upon egalitariansim. And when I see this kind of reversal, it saddens me, disappoints me, and frightens me.

When I see legislation being passed by some of the individual states that is clearly overstepping their rights, legislation that is clearly unconstititional and will waste much taxpayer money being challenged before the Supreme Court, let alone the time that could have been spent on issues and causes that actually would advance and enhance the lives of the citizens, it is dismaying indeed.

I understand that the GOP candidates don't have enough substantive strategy or ideas to propose to counter the incumbent Obama administration's successes. The incumbent nearly always has an advantage, most especially when the economy is showing signs of being on the upswing. The price of gas notwithstanding, everything else is recovering--very slowly it is true, but what else could be expected when it had fallen so far for so long? So it is a difficult thing to beat an incumbent with success behind him (or her). Tried and true wins out over the unknown every time. But why not just continue with a campaign that holds to the traditional values that the party has always stood for, and not stoop to the level of pandering to the baser side of people's selfish interests and biases and fears? Run an HONORABLE campaign, one that will make you proud to look back on. If you lose, you can lose with your head high knowing you didn't lose your mind and abandon your integrity in the process. And then you try again in four more years, when both sides have to run new candidates. And may the BEST person win, not the one who can pander to the smallest, worst side of the largest number of people.

I have had three abortions. Yes. Three. I had to think long and hard about opening up about this facet of my life and putting it out for all the world to know; not because I am ashamed of having had them, despite the judgmental opinion, so popular these days, that I should be. If I feel any shame, it is for having allowed myself to be in the situation of needing one in the first place. My hesitance to speak of these abortions has less to do with shame than with a desire for privacy. The fact is, they are no different than any other aspect of my medical history--really nobody's business but mine. But precisely because of the furor going on about the issue of abortion, and because of all the political fight for the control of women's bodies and choices in this country, I felt it was more important to tell my story than to protect my privacy. 


Although I understand that many women do, I did not particularly agonize over the decision to have any of them, although I will say that the first one was most difficult for me mostly because it was, looking back now, so sadly unnecessary. I won't go so far as to say I regret having had even that one, though, because I believe firmly that all choices we make and the resulting consequences thereof, if any, direct our lives along the path they are meant to be on, and give our lives the form and texture of the tapestry they become. They teach us things about the world and ourselves. So I don't have much regret, even for the harsher times of my life, which have been few but enough to grant me the ability to have compassion for others who are experiencing difficulty.


That is not to say that I didn't think carefully about all the other options before having any of them. I most certainly did. And none of them were an easy choice for me to make. The reason I did not agonize over them, though, and the reason I don't regret them for one moment, is because when I made the decision I knew that it was absolutely the correct one to make for me, at that time. And that was the time in which I had to make it; there was no "saving it for later." I had to deal with what I had in the way of resources, life situations, etc. at those times. And so, I made peace with my decision and so it was not difficult. And I am grateful every day that I had that opportunity to make that decision, on my own, with a bit of input from my supporters. I haven't felt an ounce of guilt, again because I made my peace with those decisions.


Let me assure the reader that I also have two healthy, happy adult children. So I know what it is to carry a pregnancy to term, to feel the joy and wonder of a precious new life and hold it in my arms, to experience the joy of motherhood. I loved every moment of it. And I look forward to the day when I can experience it again vicariously, with grandchildren.


It may come as a shock to some of you that I had my first abortion when I was married to my first husband. One would think that such a thing would be the last thing that would be necessary for a married woman. But my first husband was insistent that we were NOT ready to have children at that time. He was in college, just beginning an engineering degree, and I was working at my first job, minimum wage. At that time, I was quite dependent upon my husband in every way; and he made it quite clear that if I went ahead with the pregnancy he would divorce me. So I did really mull that one over; and in the interests of preserving my marriage I acquiesced to his demand that I have the abortion. The reason I say it was sadly unnecessary is because, in the end, he left me anyway. So that was a bitter pill to swallow. But even still, it was probably the best decision because of that fact too. It is never really the best scenario for a child to be in the midst of a marital crisis, or to have to endure divorce, particularly with parents who both were of very limited means. And I really know I was not strong enough emotionally to have been able to raise a child on my own. So I remain at peace with my choice to have that abortion.


The next one was the result of sheer carelessness. I had been rejected by a man I was deeply in love with and still carrying a torch for him. A bonfire, in fact. But one night, at the urging of a friend, I went out to a club. I met a cute guy. We danced. We went back to his place. I'd had a little bit to drink, and frankly got carried away and yes, actually forgot that I was no longer taking birth control pills. It hadn't been that long...and it just wasn't on my mind at that point. It was ONE TIME! I was taken completely by surprise when I found myself having some strange symptoms about a month later. Oh, I had the guy's number, I knew I could have gotten hold of him. But what would have been the point? I really didn't know him! I knew a few things; he already had two kids of his own he was paying child support for, an acrimonious relationship with his ex-wife (naturally), and a kind of crappy apartment that was all he could afford. Not a viable partner. Plus I had my own two kids I already had; how would I explain this? What kind of example would it be? There was little question in my mind about it. Adoption? Again, this was not something I could countenance explaining to my kids. And besides, I have heard enough stories of adopted kids being miserable once they found out they had been given up. What right did I have to put a child through that? I had no way to be able to predict how this future child would deal with that. It seemed to me to be far more damaging to everyone to have had the child, than to have the abortion.  


The last one was again a situation where I was dating a man whom I knew I did not want to become seriously involved with. He was fun, nice, but...not a candidate for a serious, committed relationship. We really didn't even have an intimate relationship for a few months, and then finally when we did, it was one of those spontaneous things that we were not prepared for. As luck would have it, I got pregnant again. Since this man had a history of exposure to Agent Orange in Vietnam and had two kids with rather serious birth defects, that influenced me even more, although I knew I would have had the abortion even without that risk. I just knew he was not someone I wanted to be tied to forever. I ended the relationship a few days before I ended the pregnancy. And again, I know it was absolutely the right thing for me to do, for those reasons plus all the reasons for having had the previous one. I did, however, make a committment from that point on, not to ever have another intimate encounter of any kind without contraceptive protection. And I kept that committment. But I am still thankful I had the option available to me to have a safe, legal abortion. Because every child should be wanted. And every parent should be joyful and happy at the prospect of having a baby, not worried and dreading how they will provide for it, or endure a meaningless or acrimonious relationship because of an unplanned pregnancy. Children should not be punishment for acts of carelessness or stupidity. They should be wanted, nurtured and loved. If you know that will not be the kind of environment you can provide for that child, then it would be far more inhumane to force that child to be born into it. I don't see how any thinking person can deny that.


I could not take birth control pills because they gave me very bad side effects. I had taken them for over 10 years before I got pregnant with my first born, and between the birth of my second, with no problems. But after I had my daughter, I could no longer tolerate them for whatever reasons. So that was not an option; if I could have taken them, I certainly would have. But now our politicians want to remove even that option from us. They want to make children a punishment for us. I can't fathom what they could possibly thinking would be good about this, for ANYONE, least of all the future children. I just don't understand.

The point, however, in telling my story, is to demonstrate that a thinking, feeling woman, even one who has had children she loves as much as life itself, can have the need for an abortion. And she should have that choice. She should be able to MAKE that choice, on her own. It should be a choice made between her and God, her doctor, and whoever else she chooses to make a part of it. It is simply nobody else's. And just because she chooses it once doesn't mean she will use it as a form of birth control, or have subsequent children with birth defects, or that she'll have guilt and regret that will cause her horrible depression for the rest of her life. I understand that some women do suffer those consequences, and I feel sad that they were, in a sense, damned if they did and damned if they didn't; because they surely already felt they couldn't endure a pregnancy and parenthood if they ever made the choice to have the abortion in the first place. I hope they will find a way to come to terms and be at peace one day with their choice. I would like to see any woman making that choice get counseling beforehand and afterward to help her deal with it, if she needs it. But most of all, I hope she will always have that choice.