I’m reading a very good book, The Giver of Stars. And there are passages in it that bring me close to tears. Not the mushy, sentimental kinds of prose you might expect. It’s the parts describing small, everyday gestures of kindness of one person to another. It reminds me of when my mother would make me soup or a soft-boiled egg and toast when I wasn’t feeling well, even after I was an adult. The parts about the support of a good friend, and the devotion of a man even when he isn’t going to get anything for it. It makes me wonder when, or whether, I will ever experience that kind of true friendship and companionship.
Oh, I do have friends, very good, kind, and generous friends, and I’m very grateful for them. But it’s not the same as having someone near at hand; someone I can rely on to do something at a moment’s notice; someone to share activities with. Someone to cook me a meal. To hold hands with, walking. To rest my head on his shoulder in the evenings. Someone who will accept me as I am and think I’m the best thing that ever came along.
I wonder why I’m so alone. All my life, I’ve mostly been alone.
I don’t feel like I need someone to complete me. I know how to entertain myself, and I’m surely happier being alone than living in a miserable relationship. But are those the only two choices for me? Why?
I’d really like to find that person who appreciates ME. I sometimes wonder if there’s some defect of character, something unlikeable about me, and I wonder what that could be. It’s true that I’m pretty self-centered, often opinionated, and sometimes negative in my attitude. But I know others who are like this too, yet they have the undying love and admiration of their partner and friends. I wonder if it’s because I’m selfish. But then I remind myself of all the generosity I’ve shown to those who were important to me, and how it’s not been reciprocated. I think about some of the hurtful things the men I’ve been involved with have done to me, said to me, and realize none of them have ever apologized to me for it.
My women friends have been great, but only one of them lives close to me, so it’s not convenient to see much of each other. I understand that. But it’s also not exactly what I’m speaking of.
I sometimes wonder if it’s something I should have done that I haven’t done; or something I’ve done that I shouldn’t have. But honestly, I am very generous with my friends, and I’ve actually done A LOT for others. It’s what I do for people I love and care about, and even sometimes those I don’t know. So I don’t see this as being some kind of karmic debt situation; unless it’s for a past life.
I would just about give anything to have the kind of person I know thinks the world of me, who will have my back no matter what, be my soft place to fall; someone to see the world with, someone who would open his wallet to buy me what I want, even though I’d seldom need to ask. Someone who I know would trust me to do the right thing, as I could him. Someone who would SEE me, know me. I’m so happy for those I know who’ve found this. But I still wonder, when is it my turn?
